Sometimes i think everyone would be better off if i just ended it. ya know?
i have no reason to live. i have no purpose. i fail everyone that loves me.
i have failed my best friend. she and i used to be so close. we had the most amazing summers together. butit seems like this year...school ruined everything. i know ive lost her for good. and i completely dont blame her. shes better off without me and my shit. i was never a true friend to her. i never treated her the way she deserved to be treated. but i always thought that no matter how bad our fights were, we'd never let each other go. but i guess i was wrong. she's the only one thats really been there for me.
i have failed my mom and brother. they didnt even have high expectations for me and i still failed them. im nothing to be proud of. im embarassing. im failing school, im always getting into trouble, and i never seem to do anything right. im a disappointment. sometimes i just wish they'd let me goand give up on me already.
i have failed myself. i can never seem to do anything right. im a bitch to everyone. i treat everyone like shit. im failing school and always getting into trouble. but it seems like no matter how bad i wanna change, i just cant. nothing helps. no matter what i do i always end up at the same place i started...depressed and sad. but i dont know how to fix it, im not even sure i really want to.
i just wish i had one last chance to prove to my mom, brother and my best friend that they shouldnt give up on my yet.
i dont know what i would do without my best friend. she has always been there for me. through EVERYTHING. shes gone to hell and back for me. and how did i treat her in return? like shit.
i just feel like everything is too much to handle. hating the school i go to is bad enough, its hell. but then after school i have to come home, and sometimes i think its worse hell then school. dont get me wrong, i love my mom..its my grandmother i cant stand. she never gives me a second to breath. and shes always picking on me and being a bitch. she judges so harshly without even knowing. shes selfish and doesnt care.
shes always bragging about my brother and my cousin. they never do wrong, they are perfect.
my brother is the good cute sweet baby boy, he always has been and always will be. and my cousin is the smart one thats always on the dean's list and making a life for herself through school.
but me, im a different story. everything i do is wrong..but i always seem to get away with murder(thats what my grandmother says) but thats not true. shes never behind the scenes to see what really happens.
what are you supposed to do when your grandmother tells you that your fat and ugly and stupid? how do you respond when she calls you a whore because you have too many guy friends and wear what she thinks are "inappropriate clothes". and how are you supposed to feel when your mom sits by and does nothing about it.
what goes through your head when your mom tells you that she should be the one thats suicidal and not you?
what do you do when all you wanna do is leave, but you cant because your trapped?
if i leave, then people will saying im running away from my problems. but if i stay, then my problems will be alot worse than what they are now.
what do i do, or say?