have you ever felt all alone even when you know your not? thats how ive been for awhile now. ive been depressed for about 8 months and im just now telling people. it all started when my so called "friend" accused my best guy friend(zack) of rape. i went thru alot of hell when i took his side over hers. i lost all of my friends except for him and my best girl friend. i got bullied at school and questioned by the cops AT SCHOOL. but when everyone found out the truth they came crawling back. but my so called "friend" got really pissed when she found out that i was dating the guy but she eventually got over it. but a few days before christmas we broke up about 3 times before it became permanent. the first time was because i got super pissed at him and took him off my heroes on myspace, the second time was because he thought he couldnt trust me(long story, and the third was because i said his friend was right and that all he wanted was sex, even though i wasnt being serious. so i lost who i thought was the love of my life and i kinda got over it after awhile. during that little section of drama i started cutting on myself. i wish i could say life went back to normal but then i would be lying. things calmed down a little bit but we still had our school dramas and my problems at home. but when spring break came in april things got extremely worse. while i was asleep one night i got a txt from zack saying he was a terrible person. i txtd him back when i woke up in the middle of the night and then went back to sleep. i woke up the next morning with a txt saying zack had killed himself. i collapsed. my world was falling down around me and there was nothing i could do. after first i thought it was a joke but then i talked to the rest of his family. they said he left a suicide not telling me he loved me but never thought i would give him a second chance. i wanted to die. i needed my mom and my best friend but i also wanted to be alone. i didnt know what to do. no one knows this but i tried to kill myself that night when my best friend was asleep in my room...i took about 5-8 naproxens(pain killers) and i passed out but woke up and vomitted. the week before all i wanted was to get my cartilages pierced and now that my mom felt terrible for me she let me. but as much as i thought that would make my life better, it didnt. i still wanted to die...i had this emptiness inside me that wouldnt go away no matter what i did. school went on with all its drama. my cutting got worse and the only reason my mom even noticed was because i told her. all she did was take me to a doctor, she didnt try to fix things at home or at school. since then i havent been able to sleep, and when i sleep im unconcious and dont wanna wake up, i cry all the time even if theres no reason to, and i still cut. sometimes i think just leaving this world would make things better for me and for those around me. i sometimes think it was my fault zack killed himself and theres nothing i can ever do to bring him back. i still cry over it. and my family life hasnt changed. i think if i stay here for 2 more years im guna explode. they make me crazy, they make me feel like im beneath them, they make me feel like im nothing more than a piece of dog shit on the side of the road. and they wonder why i am the way i am and why i do the things i do. because in 8 months my life has changed forever...in 8 months ive gone from extremely happy to killer sad. and it scares me.